[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
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Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?