[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
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“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”