Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
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I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
my professor scared me for a second
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
definitely did not do anything wrong
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.