If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
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ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.