Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
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INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID