Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
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*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
I think my mom just blocked me
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.