Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
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Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
I am HOWLING at this
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen