Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
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*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Home #decor warning.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.