crochet youtube is brutal
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“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.