“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
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Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.