“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
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I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!