Employees must applaud the planets.
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I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.