Croquettes are not female crocodiles
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People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
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nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*