@ThisOneSayz: Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse's head in the sheets.
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@DaddyJew: Dentist: have you been flossing? [ flashback to me picking steak out of my teeth with a potato chip earlier ] Me: yes
@MauriceBlitz: I want to invent a nap time machine, which is a time machine that takes you to times you could've napped and didn't.
@iwearaonesie: *turns TV off* "THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!" - me every time I watch Toy Story 3