Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
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Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine