*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
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A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.