*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
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Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
You look like you would fail a DNA test
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight