Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
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*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.