Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
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[shakes fist at other fist]
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know