Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
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all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?