Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
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me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Just say no
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.