[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
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Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct