Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
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Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
no one likes gloating
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
Become ungovernable.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.