@Twisted_Mettle: Croutons and cherry tomatoes are the natural enemies of the plastic fork.
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@primawesome: Sorry I'm late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
@WoodyLuvsCoffee: Tim: This is Tim from accounting. Me: Hi Tim from accounting. Tim: Just say Tim. Me. Tim. Tim: How are you today? Me: Tim.
@atanya1111: "Sorry, her father is a pterodactyl" - me with the screeching baby in the grocery store.
@UncleDuke1969: Me: I didn't get the job. Wife: Why not? M: Something about my eyesight. W: What EXACTLY did they say? M: That I needed 'adult supervision'.