I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
You Might Also Like
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
*ernest hemingway voice*
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Jogging