crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
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Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.