“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
You Might Also Like
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Personal question. #JustSaying
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
My flabber has been gasted.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea