[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
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and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Cat.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions