Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
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If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Thoughts
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.