Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
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I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
“OMGJK” -atheists