Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
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Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
I would like even faster food.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.