Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
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Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
She puts the hot in psychotic
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.