@joeljeffrey: Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
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@ThatRascalPuff: Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies* [2 yrs later] Me: *knocking water outta my ears* *quarter falls out*
@pixelatedboat: Fact: Bernie Sanders won't release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
@rachellinfox: When I was young I wanted to date a doctor for money. Can you believe how superficial I was?!? Now I would date him for the prescriptions.
@kumailn: Batman based his superhero off what terrified him most. If I followed the same logic my superhero would be ListeningToVoicemailsMan.