Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
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I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.