do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
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INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
I enjoy a good short stor
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.