[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
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*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie