[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
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I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Ferrari squats
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents