Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
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I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
when you don’t want to be too vague
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”