Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
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My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.