@gitson_shiggles: Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
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@MomOnFire: I'm starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
@EvilSchwartzie: The police get mad at you if you try to marry a squirrel. Even if you're pretty sure it's a girl squirrel.
@JimGaffigan: When are they going to drug test the audience of "The Price Is Right."? No one should be that happy.
@myles_morrison: I can tell everything I need to know about your business by the thickness of your bathroom toilet paper.