Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
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I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Holy crap this is wonderful
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.