Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
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I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
NOT all policemen are strippers.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed