@attsmcjay: Hubs: " Few glasses of wine tonight hun"? Me: " Yeah, I had a glass of red" Hubs : " Just one eh" Me: " Well I use the same glass"

@MoneypennyNaked: I really need someone to follow me around Target to say "No. No. Put that back. You don't need that. You already have 4 of those at home."

@KyleMcDowell86: [Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry] Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group! [Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]

@flashember: WIFE: Will he ever wake up? DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it W: i sold his pet hamster ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE

@bakehadley: 58.