@Kyle_Lippert: The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.

@TheWoodenslurpy: To people calling themselves "Grammar Nazis": you’re not correcting grammar so much as punctuation or spelling. Hi, I’m a Nomenclature Nazi.

@Fred_Delicious: [penguin waddles into computer repair store] "Hi yes my laptop is frozen" ... Computer repair guy - "how did you get to Milwaukee"

@TankCesar: How long are you supposed to chase someone after your wallet gets stolen? Because I'm tired of running and he's catching up....

@FatherWithTwins: Stickiest things in the world: 3) Lollipops 2) Glue 1) Children's library books