[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
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Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
ok this is my dumbest yet
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years