“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
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Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
Ok, but like, how married are you?
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*