“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
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Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now