[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
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Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.