white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
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[shakes fist at other fist]
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
pls suprot
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda