CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
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New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Straight people are cancelled
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
that wasn’t the question
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake