Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
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Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.