Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
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Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.