Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
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Friend鈥檚 Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday鈥檚?
Me: well I don鈥檛 spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that鈥檚 for sure
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Did I do this right
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean鈥aven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don鈥檛 have to brush my teeth anymore!
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I鈥檓 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I鈥檓 not the only dinosaur here
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (鉂わ笍) and I can do dinosaur (馃), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
friend: you鈥檙e pregnant! do you know what you鈥檙e having?
wife: we think it鈥檚-
me: snakes. we think it鈥檚 snakes
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it鈥檚 a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he鈥檚 a bomber and he鈥檚 dead
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we鈥檝e had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn鈥檛 be enjoying the torture this much
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
Me trying to walk in a dream