Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
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My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.